I have to admit; I miss writing like crazy. Nah, actually I miss "typing" writing like crazy. I prefer the electronic way of keeping in touch, to tell you the truth. Snail mails drive me nuts. So, this is my reply to you cuz I love it this way.
You know what I really feel like doing now, especially after reading your blog?
Disapparating from here and apparating in front of you to give you a big punch in your face to wake you up. Like guys would normally do to their good friends in movies.
You are so not cool now to me. So totally uncool and unmanly.
I am disappointed.
But I am no different anyway.
I am ashamed of who I used to be and the way I am now still.
Nevertheless, I am recovering and slowly picking up shreds of pieces of my torn spirit and putting them back again.
You see, I can't remember how much I told you about the way I was the year I got into med school.
I really felt like running away. I so didn't want to face it; face the fact that I have to study like crazy and spend the rest of my life living like this. It was horrifying and depressing. I did badly in my early tests because I couldn't study properly. I always had the idea of giving up and packing my bag to go home because I so wanted to run away. But, even in that depth of "hell", I passed the first year with God's grace and blessings of course and got into the second year. I can never forget what happened one week before my exam. God really did guide me. The one thing that I would never have done out of my frail courage was the only thing I could do and did- I went to the professor for consultations, and even though, I could have given a bad impression that I am inadequate in my knowledge, I bravely faced him. Twice. He was very encouraging and so grandfatherly. Although intimidating still, for the fact that he could be my future examiner who knows how stupid I am. He taught me many things and these were the things that help me to sail through the oral exam with a famously very very very very hard, austere and tenacious female teacher who fails many students. Imagine, it was only two lessons that I had with him, and very lucky ones too because it's just so difficult to get him since he was very busy. Trust me, two lessons are two tiny ants you can get in a year and yet, God helped me by giving me the questions that were related to whatever the professor taught me then. That was God's answer to me the first time. The second year was even more frustrating and I was falling deep again. The physiology teachers gave me very very very bad impression and the subject itself is a very hard one. Again, in the recent final exam, I prayed so hard that things will go well. It was a very well-directed plan by God indeed, I truly believe. I failed the first attempt but miraculously got my visa extended when I called my friend for help on the same day. I passed the exam the next week iteslf with the questions that I knew how to answer. The professor was really scary. And there was another teacher who often scoffed and laughed at my answers (or the way I answered, I supposed) that time. But then, I got through it and made it. AND That Was God's answer to me the second time. Twice, I should have failed already as a student and yet, He allowed fate to let me pass. I was very very much unprepared for these both subjects.
His answer to what?, you would be wondering I guess. To the question I have always been bugging myself with, do I really want to be a doctor? Do I really deserve to be one? Do I really have the right personality and intelligence and determination and character to be one? Can I really accept this coming hard life and days that will always be centered around hard and never-ending studies; hospitals that reek of diseases and death and medicine; patients whom you have to be responsible of, so much so that you cannot afford any mistake?
Right now, I am trying to change myself. I have accepted the fact that I am really going to be a doctor. I have accepted the fact that I don't have to run away anymore, because I am loving this and every moment of it, even though it is so hard, I could cry every night; so lonely because I miss everyone at home; so disgusting because autopsies are nasty and smelly and patients are definitely not the kind of patients you see in medical dramas; so tiring because my classes are like working hours (at some days, even longer) and I have to come back to study further; studies are so hard to memorize and cope and that give me sleeping problems- yes, I have sleeping disorders. I am still very much addicted to the internet which I have to slowly get rid of; even though the very existence of internet taught me great meanings of life. And for these very reasons, I have to be stronger and I have to grow even more and more stronger in the future than I am now.
And for now and also for the coming years of studies, I don't want to get involved in any relationships at all. I didn't tell you much about my past, did I? Paul knows it better than you do. (Wait, I don't think you know anything though.. I don't remember telling you.) Because she's always been there for me for so long. LoL do you know when I told her about it, she
objected like mad. She has good taste in guys after all. And she is definitely right. Good lovely Paul. I'll tell you one day, maybe. If you stop being on poor-guys-who-get-dumped's side LOL But seriously, I don't have any time and emotions spared for relationship.
Anyway, brother, it might sound depressing to you. And I am no amazing person since I am a disgrace and disappointment. I know people in the church think otherwise which is so not true. I really don't want to disappoint anyone. Everyone in my family wants the best for me, and so does my Christian family. You have no idea, how encouraging everyone is each year I went back home. Ah, I miss church so much. Definitely one sanctuary where I can be myself, laugh so much my tummy hurts, be happy with everyone and sing so much till I go out of tune in that infamous page 622 of our hymn book a.k.a. "Ring the message out". You ask Steph and the rest la- they like to bully me with that song. Acapella singing is still the best melody in the world, isn't it? =)
God is so good... And all the blessings I will remember them, always and always, always, always. This reminds me of this song I heard from Bing Crosby, "Count your blessings, instead of sheep before you go to sleep". Such a sweet song =)
I will always remember and keep you in prayers. I hope things will go well with you and her. Take care, always. Be strong too.
P.s. Don't say you're living a lie. If you are, you are no Christian already!
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