Sombre

I had a weird dream last night. My memory of it became vague after I woke up; but my body's memory remembers it well for sure; I woke up feeling heartbroken and depressed. The heartache lingered in me till now; no matter how I want it to go away. And the worst part is I don't even know why I'm feeling this way! And I don't think there should be any reason for me to feel this way either!
Definitely strange!

I want to lift my spirit up and laugh once more. Just for today..

And get busy again...

after a while

Ahhh Claude Monet's picture for the day is just sooo beautiful in my eyes......... *in love*
I haven't seen this site for a while.
Right now, my major problem is contamination! I found that some of my oranges were rotten and they were covered with green powdery colonies of bacteria ewwwwwwww
My room is such a mess. It's time for cleaning! Looks like I won't have enough rest again =( I;m so glad that holidays are coming soon... even though they're really short.

Anyway, with loads of things to do, I can't spend much time writing anymore. =(

I miss Claude Monet.. Ah, I miss Paris... Will want to go back there again one day.... =)

Bye bye Claude Monet for now. Thank you for making me smile.......*dreamy*

and dream about cute babies tonight............ I miss the pediatrics department...

No more U-turns in life

I have just officially drank 1L of chocolate milk for the day. I am definitely going to grow fat!
But ahhhh, it makes me feel better. I have always loved this kinda chocolate milk after all. Drinking it while watching Nodame mouths "Gyaboo!" just brings laughter to my lips. =)

Ahhh, my heart is finally smiling now.

Honestly, I had a terrible week. It was filled with sadness, frustrations and mistakes. Many a time I felt like kicking myself in the leg so hard and that's because I am just an absent-minded and empty-headed person. I can't forgive myself for such recklessness and carelessness and yet I continue repeating the same mistake over and over again.

I can never do anything right. I have never done anything right and make it perfect.
Everything always turned out to be a half-assed job. It's all because I'm just such a short-sighted person and lazy wuss and awful planner and executor.

I need to change. I need to think more realistically and practically.

What can I do to overcome this? What can I do win this battle against myself?

1. Know my weakness.
2. Overcome the weakness.
3. Don't things for fun anymore.
4. Have a strong will.
5. Nothing works without an effort. So work hard. Work really really really hard. I have everything that other people can give me. But the sad truth is, I am giving myself nothing at all now.

What can I do to become a better person?
What can I do to become one of the best?
When I am in this line, I realize now the only one thing that I have always been denying myself, you have to be one of the best. Then people will only see you as trustworthy, hardworking and reliable. That's what my dream profession demands of me after all. That's what medicine demands out of me. Work work work. You can't do things for fun anymore. That's too irresponsible and careless. It's not a child's play anymore. E-yeh, it's still fun. I can still enjoy every part of it. After all, it's just a different definition of fun.

I am going to use my strength to overcome my weakness.
~Image training for the mind~ Not just a daydream, but it will materializes into reality. I am good at visual after all. I am bad at hearing. Combination of hearing and writing is bad too. Reading-visualization technique is still the best for me.

I have told myself so many times that I have to change. I have done this so many times. I have asked myself the same questions over and over again.
I must remember this time that the hardest part is definitely the beginning.

Okay, Johari's window on the go!

Take precaution. Measure my steps. One step at a time of course. Think. Think out of the box. Evaluate prognosis. The only difference between medical prognosis and life prognosis is that life prognoses have higher rate of success and the future is clearer and something can definitely be done about it.

There are many things that I have to do.
What are my priorities now?
Picking up myself. From now onwards, I am going to love myself more now.

Step into the door, it has already been opened. Step into it and start creating my own life. The beginning is always the toughest but, it also means hope.

I have to tell myself this:
"Stand up again and start anew. Make this the turning point and do no more U-turns. No more back to square one. Start moving the pieces and aim for 100% probability of checkmate. Don't be afraid of moving on. Don't be afraid of failures and disappoints. Whether you do it or not, you will still face them anyway. Don't be afraid of facing challenges and monsters on the way. Things will work out just fine because God is on your side. You know it well. Don't forget, be humble and gentle and kind as always, be wise and smile. Do not lose yourself in the way; there are no opposite sides in this case. Blend them all in together and a beautiful picture will be painted. And the most beautiful music will accompany it. Sing your heart out and make the best and most out of it. There will be no regrets. Do what you want the most. With a sincere heart, with great effort, with hard work, with love, with soul.

There is no soul in everything that you do now.

Dreams do come true. Have hope. You can be successful as long as you work hard and smart. You can do something. And remember, it is worth doing, no matter how small the scale of outcome it might be. Because every good thing has its own special specific benefit, as long as you know how to draw it out and put it in the right place and use it to your benefit and spread it to the people around you. You can't help other people if you can't even help yourself. There will be no trust. There is no point if you sacrifice for the others' sake without doing it for your own sake first. Because you yourself mirror your very own actions and purpose. You are the reflection of your behavior and thinking. You have to do it for your sake because you have to grow stronger. And your strength will then be relatively proportional to how much people will be able to trust and respect you then. Then, that's how strong bonds between humans are created. Because strong impressions make the whole difference. That should be the way how friends are made. Not just, hi, I am so-and-so and talk about interests and jokes and gossip and then you call it "friendship". These kinda friendship is fragile. Friends who fight along with you and walk along the same path, friends who are your rivals, friends who share the same faith, friends who defend the same faith, friends who believe the same way, practice the same way, who have the same faith, who study and work in the same line are the friends who will be there for you. That's what you call true friends. We understand the same path we're taking and we try our best in our own way and we do the best we can. There are many types of friendship- but this are the fundamentals of friendship that underlies all types of friendship. Without this, I believe it won't last. You have to do your best in your own way. Start now."

These are the principles of my life that I have been integrating with my soul. It is always a constant reminder.
Now I have to walk my talk.

Lost

It's so hard in the beginning.
It's a struggle to do everything right. Everything seems to be going the wrong way.
Unexpected news keep coming in.
I just have to keep it going.

I cannot give in to my emotions.
Grief I must, sorrow I must contain.

I need to overcome my desires
and find the right outlet.

..:Focus:..
..:Concentration:..
..:Positive thinking:..
..:Strength:..

Lord, I need wisdom and strong will.
I can't be careless and happy-go-lucky anymore.

24 hours a day is not enough for me. Time is just so so so so precious.
I remember what my cousin brother told me years ago: If you want to study medicine, you have think not just twice about it, but 20 times about it before you decide.
Now, I'm telling you, no way, you better think 200 times about it!
You have to sacrifice many things and deal with the most disgusting things on earth.
It's fun though. That is, if you know how to enjoy it.

"Let's start doing something right today"

When I saw this personal message of an acquaintance on MSN Messenger, I was like "Wow, this is exactly what I have on my mind right now." So, yeah, let's start doing something right today! No, in fact, not just today but from now on!

It will slowly develop into a good habit and then, one day, eventually, we will find ourselves doing almost everything right.

A topic to ponder about today:
Gossip and Backstabbing and Complaints

Generally, there are many people who like to gossip about other people behind their backs. There are also many people who badmouth about other people whom they find themselves in disagreement with or basically do not like. There are people who are sarcastic about them too. Of course, it is also very common to find people who complain so much about the people around them.

Do we realize that these things that we have been doing are just way too wrong?
Do we really have that substantial amount of time to do all these absolutely pointless things?

If we just keep our lives to ourselves, and start working and doing things that are beneficial and worth learning, we will find ourselves not even the time to backstab other people.

Instead of complaining about a friend who doesn't care, we study and complete our assignments; or work and do our job right and satisfactory. That's how we improve.
Instead of feeling sad and venting out to another friend about a person who doesn't wish to listen to your love problems, bury yourself in doing your chores and housework and get them done by the end of the day. That's how you keep your house together and maintain cleanliness, tidiness and keep it in order. You pay your bills on time. You get your electrical and water supply.
Instead of caring so much about what other people think or say about you, just be yourself, don't be pretentious and do things that bring you bliss and joy, make you feel worth a human and living and worth learning. And be nice to everyone but wise and professional and strict. That's how you can be a better and happier person.

Be independent, walk with God and stand on your feet by yourself, on your own, all byr yourself. Yes, alone. Loneliness, no, a better word would be "solitary" is a great teacher. If you can grasp the meaning behind this philosophy, you're a survivor.

Because, just because you care about one person, that doesn't mean that the person will naturally care for you back. Just because you sat down and listened to her personal problems, that will not mean that she will listen to yours back. Humans are different in many ways and things may not naturally be reciprocal. You can't force them to the way you want them to be. She may think of you differently from the thought of how you yourself is like. Most of us don't really know ourselves well simply because we refuse to admit the parts of us that we're ashamed of, the parts that we want to deny and hide so badly. But this is what other people are capable of seeing us as. Think about one frame of reference of Johari's window- "You know, I don't know".
It may also be that way because people have different tenets of life; different desires; different lifestyles; different mentality; different circumstances; different priorities; different habits; different things to do in life.
And we have to accept that these are facts of life and we can't run away from them. So why be unhappy over something that is so undeniable? It becomes a trivial thing when things become more acceptable, don't they?

Or will you feel that because these kinda reality exists, the world is just so sad? Now, that's what you call "Negative Thinking". It ain't healthy, brother and sister. The world doesn't exist to naturally give comfort to you. It exists for you to create a small place of comfort in it.

I am ashamed to admit that I do find myself gossiping and thus backstabbing people. Although "backstab" sounds very much severe, gossip is a form of backstabbing. Although I unintentionally do it without the desire to cause any harm, it is 1) never an excuse because no one can fight logic and consequences 2) in which, it does cause harm; simply because you're already leaving mouthprints (okay, I created that word on my own whim) of bad impression to the other person you blabbed to. You influenced and convinced the other party that the one person whom you're not happy about that he/she is generally not nice.

So, yeah, I wanna stop doing all these things and start doing the right thing.
Because I realize that I simply already have my hands full already with the things that are urgent and important. The only difference is I am not doing them right.

So, I simply have to get the engine started!

As the saying goes, do no harm.

P.s. Okay, I have confessed my sins =P A relief. And a great assurance to the path of becoming a better Christian.

The wake in the morning

When you look at yourself in the mirror, smile =)

When you look at your family in their face, greet a good morning and smile =)

When you look at your roommate, greet a good morning and smile =)

When you look at your cute pet, greet a good morning and smile =)

When you look at your fresh beautiful plants and flowers, greet a good day and smile =)



When you smile, you will notice that the day is smiling back at you too.

And it wouldn't matter at all then, if nobody smiles back at you. Because one day, I'm sure someone out there is waiting to smile back at you.

And if you meet me, I will be that "someone" then, smiling back at you.

So, smile always and it doesn't matter even if nobody smiles back at you.

Dear, you-know-who-you-are

I have to admit; I miss writing like crazy. Nah, actually I miss "typing" writing like crazy. I prefer the electronic way of keeping in touch, to tell you the truth. Snail mails drive me nuts. So, this is my reply to you cuz I love it this way.

You know what I really feel like doing now, especially after reading your blog?
Disapparating from here and apparating in front of you to give you a big punch in your face to wake you up. Like guys would normally do to their good friends in movies.

You are so not cool now to me. So totally uncool and unmanly.

I am disappointed.

But I am no different anyway.
I am ashamed of who I used to be and the way I am now still.
Nevertheless, I am recovering and slowly picking up shreds of pieces of my torn spirit and putting them back again.
You see, I can't remember how much I told you about the way I was the year I got into med school.
I really felt like running away. I so didn't want to face it; face the fact that I have to study like crazy and spend the rest of my life living like this. It was horrifying and depressing. I did badly in my early tests because I couldn't study properly. I always had the idea of giving up and packing my bag to go home because I so wanted to run away. But, even in that depth of "hell", I passed the first year with God's grace and blessings of course and got into the second year. I can never forget what happened one week before my exam. God really did guide me. The one thing that I would never have done out of my frail courage was the only thing I could do and did- I went to the professor for consultations, and even though, I could have given a bad impression that I am inadequate in my knowledge, I bravely faced him. Twice. He was very encouraging and so grandfatherly. Although intimidating still, for the fact that he could be my future examiner who knows how stupid I am. He taught me many things and these were the things that help me to sail through the oral exam with a famously very very very very hard, austere and tenacious female teacher who fails many students. Imagine, it was only two lessons that I had with him, and very lucky ones too because it's just so difficult to get him since he was very busy. Trust me, two lessons are two tiny ants you can get in a year and yet, God helped me by giving me the questions that were related to whatever the professor taught me then. That was God's answer to me the first time. The second year was even more frustrating and I was falling deep again. The physiology teachers gave me very very very bad impression and the subject itself is a very hard one. Again, in the recent final exam, I prayed so hard that things will go well. It was a very well-directed plan by God indeed, I truly believe. I failed the first attempt but miraculously got my visa extended when I called my friend for help on the same day. I passed the exam the next week iteslf with the questions that I knew how to answer. The professor was really scary. And there was another teacher who often scoffed and laughed at my answers (or the way I answered, I supposed) that time. But then, I got through it and made it. AND That Was God's answer to me the second time. Twice, I should have failed already as a student and yet, He allowed fate to let me pass. I was very very much unprepared for these both subjects.
His answer to what?, you would be wondering I guess. To the question I have always been bugging myself with, do I really want to be a doctor? Do I really deserve to be one? Do I really have the right personality and intelligence and determination and character to be one? Can I really accept this coming hard life and days that will always be centered around hard and never-ending studies; hospitals that reek of diseases and death and medicine; patients whom you have to be responsible of, so much so that you cannot afford any mistake?
Right now, I am trying to change myself. I have accepted the fact that I am really going to be a doctor. I have accepted the fact that I don't have to run away anymore, because I am loving this and every moment of it, even though it is so hard, I could cry every night; so lonely because I miss everyone at home; so disgusting because autopsies are nasty and smelly and patients are definitely not the kind of patients you see in medical dramas; so tiring because my classes are like working hours (at some days, even longer) and I have to come back to study further; studies are so hard to memorize and cope and that give me sleeping problems- yes, I have sleeping disorders. I am still very much addicted to the internet which I have to slowly get rid of; even though the very existence of internet taught me great meanings of life. And for these very reasons, I have to be stronger and I have to grow even more and more stronger in the future than I am now.
And for now and also for the coming years of studies, I don't want to get involved in any relationships at all. I didn't tell you much about my past, did I? Paul knows it better than you do. (Wait, I don't think you know anything though.. I don't remember telling you.) Because she's always been there for me for so long. LoL do you know when I told her about it, she objected like mad. She has good taste in guys after all. And she is definitely right. Good lovely Paul. I'll tell you one day, maybe. If you stop being on poor-guys-who-get-dumped's side LOL But seriously, I don't have any time and emotions spared for relationship.

Anyway, brother, it might sound depressing to you. And I am no amazing person since I am a disgrace and disappointment. I know people in the church think otherwise which is so not true. I really don't want to disappoint anyone. Everyone in my family wants the best for me, and so does my Christian family. You have no idea, how encouraging everyone is each year I went back home. Ah, I miss church so much. Definitely one sanctuary where I can be myself, laugh so much my tummy hurts, be happy with everyone and sing so much till I go out of tune in that infamous page 622 of our hymn book a.k.a. "Ring the message out". You ask Steph and the rest la- they like to bully me with that song. Acapella singing is still the best melody in the world, isn't it? =)

God is so good... And all the blessings I will remember them, always and always, always, always. This reminds me of this song I heard from Bing Crosby, "Count your blessings, instead of sheep before you go to sleep". Such a sweet song =)

I will always remember and keep you in prayers. I hope things will go well with you and her. Take care, always. Be strong too.

P.s. Don't say you're living a lie. If you are, you are no Christian already!